Billy's Blog!

STANDING STONES IMPRESS ME SO MUCH. I THINK THEY WERE SOME KIND OF ANCIENT FOLK FESTIVAL WHERE PREHISTORIC FOLKIES WOULD ENTERTAIN EACH OTHER.

Louise and I recently visited Avebury henge in Wiltshire, which must be one Britain's truly wonderful sites.

If you haven't been to Avebury please consider going. I think it is more impressive than Stonehenge because you can actually walk around the stones and touch them. Some of the stones weigh about 40 tons and they cover over 28 acres. Originally there was about 100 stones but now there are only 27 stones left standing but it is still wonderfully impressive.

No one knows the reason the stones were erected but if you walk inside the circle you get a great desire to burst into song. This leads me to believe that the stones were once a giant folk club where ancient folkies would get up and perform their act within the circle. Each year they would invite other ancient folkies to come and visit and they would put on a great festival for all to have a great time, get drunk,  meet all their mates that they hadn't seen for ages because they had been out gigging and some would bring a bodhran.

Next time you visit some standing stones I suggest that you take a musical instrument with you and perform to anyone watching - you will see what I mean!

Tags: Stonehenge, Avebury, folk clubs, gigs, ancient Britain

AS I FELL OFF MY ROOF, I REMEMBER THINKING... "LOUISE IS GOING TO KILL ME". AFTER MY FALL I DEVELOPED A FEAR OF DOCTORS. MY HYPNOTHERAPIST SAID I SHOULD THINK OF THEM AS GIRAFFES.

 Every now and again I visit an Hypnotherapist. Her name is Bridgette and she helps me with "Issues" I occasionally have. I have to admit I am in two minds about Bridgette. Is she lovely? Or, has she actually hypnotised me to think that she is lovely? Maybe my subconscious mind is in a constant battle with my conscious mind and therefore causing new "Issues" on top of the issues that I had originally had before I started going to see her? Bridgette could end up rich just from my "Issues" alone.

I first went to see Bridgette when I fell off my roof. (It was actually more of a Lean-Two. About 9 feet high and 50 feet wide - but it was high enough). It was a busy old day. I had to get the roof sorted out, it was Louise's birthday, and Matthew was playing in a football cup final.

I had been screwing all morning. Hundreds and hundreds and the damn things.  It was hot, I ached, I needed a drink, but at last, I had to put in "JUST ONE MORE SCREW" and I was finished. The only problem is that the "ONE MORE SCREW" was not in easy reach. I could just about lean across and struggle to put the screw in... or,....  I would need to climb down the ladder, move the ladder about a foot to the right, secure the ladder, and then climb back up and screw it in. All for "ONE MORE SCREW".

I decided to chance it and leant across. I felt the ladder slip and I began to fall.

While falling downwards through the air I remember thinking 3 things.

 

1. If this fall don't kill me - Louise is going to kill me for falling.

 

2. Matthew is going to be very upset with me because falling will make him late for his Cup Final and if he is late for the start of the game he might have to be a substitute and if it was 0-0 near the end of the game it was highly likely that Matthew wouldn't even get on the pitch at all.

 

3. "Sarah, is lovely".

 

I don't know why I thought "Sarah is lovely". But I did. Sarah is our daughter, and sure enough she is lovely. Maybe it was one of those "life flashing before my eyes" moments you read about. Sarah and I had been chatting moments before I fell and she had made me laugh. Sarah always makes me laugh. Which is why as I was falling I was still smiling.

I don't remember hitting the ground, and I don't remember stopping breathing. I do remember the air ambulance flying over the house and Matthew standing in the garden waving to them as he had been instructed to.  I don't remember the convulsions and the mess. I partially remember Louise chatting to the air ambulance man while they looked down over me. I remember my leg hurt like hell as they untwisted me from the ladder. The neck brace because they thought my neck may have been broken. My kids look of horror. The tears. Matt looking at his watch.....

The Doctors at the hospital were not bothered about my broken leg. They were more interested in a suspected broken back, brain haemorrhage and some other problem that I hadn't even thought of. I suppose they are more interesting than broken legs which are ten a penny. It was awful in the hospital and my leg wasn't looked at for days. When they discovered that my back and brain were fine they seemed to loose interest.

I suppose my experience at the hospital gave me the fear I have of Doctors. I had what someone called vaso-vagal syncope. My body would close down and I would collapse in a heap and have what can be best describe as a fit.

I had to go to see a head doctor who explained to me that my problem was actually Psychosomatic. My problem was in my head and he suggested I went to see a hypnotherapist.

Bridgette sorted me out in one sitting. My fear of Doctors came from me feeling that I was not in control. I am not a control freak or anything. But some stuff had happened to me years before had effected me and I don't like putting myself in any danger. Bridgette suggested I thought of Doctors as people with the head of a Giraffes (I kid you not) which worked a treat.

Another way of solving my problem is

a) I don't get ill

b) I don't go anywhere near a hospital

Which is why I haven't been to visit my mate Mick in hospital.

Sorry Mick.

Get better soon mate. I am thinking of you.

Tags: Hypnotherapy, Aura, Singing, Stage presence, Giraffes, Vaso-vagal syncope,

I KNEW SOMEONE WHO WAS PARANOID. I INTRODUCED HIM TO SOMEONE WHO USED TO BE A STALKER.

An old friend of mine called Bob used to tell me he was being followed. He could never quite catch them doing it, it was more of  feeling he got. Bob worried me when he started behaving erratically, like doubling back while walking to the pub, or changing the route he took to work, which was difficult when you only live up the road from your office. Bob changed his telephone number and ultimately he moved home, only to tell me that he was still being watched.

Paranoia is a terrible thing, it ate him away from inside his head.  The Internet had to go of course, and the TV too. But he would throw away perfectly good items, thinking there was a camera inside watching him. Satellites, CCTV cameras, Shop security radios, Reality TV programmes, all added to his idea that he was being watched. Eventually Bob became totally irrational and I began to doubt his sanity.

He got better after I introduced him to Lucy who was once had been a Stalker. Lucy was a bit odd too. She laughed Stalking off calling it "People Watching". Both the Police and Magistrate called it Stalking after one of her old boy friends had complained. Shortly after Lucy got her ASBO I introduced her to my mate Bob the Stalker.

They hit it off immediately and their lives, and careers, turned around. They needed each other, The Ying and the Yang, or whatever it is, their chemistry was right together.

I am in a relationship like that. It just seems that we were meant for each other. Since the day we met.

Tags: October, Paranoia, Stalking, Relationships, Ying and Yang,

THE SHOW MUST GO ON. TRUE OR UNTRUE? WHEN EXACTLY SHOULD YOU CANCEL A GIG?

I once was offered a gig in Bosnia. The money was good, the audience was some nice Bosnian people who wanted to listen to some UK folk music. The venue was a medium sized folk club with a nice stage and the P.A. was supplied. The only problem I had was after accepting the booking a war had begun and the folk club was now in the middle of a war zone. Now, should I have cancelled the gig or not? Yes, of course I should have cancelled the gig! (I did and I lived to tell the tale. The folk club by the way was bombed to bits.)

The reason I mention it is because my mate has recently cancelled a gig for the first time in 15 years. I was gutted for him. He has performed with a variety of diseases including the flu, a broken arm, a head ache (which, after being dragged to the doctors by his wife, turned out to be a fractured skull) and a nasty dose of laryngitis.

I haven't cancelled many gigs over the years but I have to admit I have cancelled one or two. I have struggled through more than one gig with a broken leg (after falling off a roof). But I did have to cancel one gig after having peritonitis. My appendix decided to burst one Monday morning but my GP insisted that I had a bit of a tummy bug. After my appendix exploded I was rushed to hospital and I lay on my death bed while the proper doctors tried to find out what was wrong with me. While laying in my hospital bed, and not at all well, with around 7 drips going into various parts of my body, I distinctly remember apologising to someone on the Entertainments Committee of the Bishops Itchington Social Club and him saying to me, "Well can you just do a bit after the bingo"?

The show must go on. It is a pity the Bosnian folk club was destroyed.

Tags: folk, Bosnian folk, appendix, peritonitis, cancelled gigs, roof

MY UNCLE STILL GOES OUT TO AMERICA TO VISIT HIS NATIVE AMERICAN FRIENDS.

One of my Uncles was brought up by a native American Indian family on a traditional native American Indian reservation in Wyoming, USA. The reservation is still there and I have recently received a letter from him inviting me to stay for a few weeks.

How my Uncle got to be raised by traditional American Indians is an odd tale, beginning in 1875.

It all started when my Great-Grandfather Vernon travelled from Leamington Spa to Montana, USA as a travelling salesman, selling a new cure for various ailments. This consisted of a drink which, when chilled, would cure any headache. It was also “guaranteed” to cure hemorrhoids, Gut-Rot, Acne, Hearing Loss, Albinism, Anal Warts, Athlete's Foot, Bad Breath, Baldness, Bed Wetting, Bladder Infection, Boils, Bowel Gas, Bulimia, Bunion, Cold Sores, Constipation, Corns, Crabs, Cross-Eyes, Dandruff, Excess Farting, Fungal Nails, Gum Disease, Head Lice, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, Lazy Eye, Moles, Mouth Ulcers, Obesity, Piles, Shaky Hands, Stress, Syphilis, Warts and Zits, plus a few hundred illnesses which never actually existed but sounded horrible to catch.

The journey from Leamington Spa to Montana was an arduous but Vernon and his Associates were determined to concur this new country.

However, despite all their best efforts, sales were almost none existent and they knew they would have to go and search for new markets and new products.

So the Great-Grandfather Vernon loaded up his horses and wagons and left town, venturing out into the unknown to sell their goods to the natives.

3 days into their journey they came across a band of Sioux Indians and after a nice meal they traded some of their bottles of “Bates Miracle Cures” for some buffalo meat. Amazingly, the Sioux Indians absolutely loved the product.

Coincidently, they had also brought along with them 500 of the very latest automatic rifles and they traded those too. This time for gold, silver, jewels and lots and lots of buffalo furs.

For many years their business relationships blossomed and over the generations we have kept in touch with the Sioux Indians.

One year Louise and I will visit Montana in the Indian reservation which sits by a small river called the Little Big Horn.

It is nice to think that my family played a small part in one of USA's most historic events. 

Tags: Battle of the Little Big Horn, American Indians, Sioux, Gun running, Bates Miracle Cure, 

SEARCHING YOUR FAMILY TREE? SOMETIMES IT IS LIKE SEARCHING IN A FOREST, IN THE DARK, AT NIGHT, WITHOUT A TORCH, WEARING A BLINDFOLD.

The conversation with my mum went something like this.....

ME: "Mum, would you mind if I searched our family tree? We don't talk about family much and I wondered if you would be prepared to help me?"

MUM: "No"

That was about it. Silence. A tumbleweed rolled past mums coffee table. The wind blew and mum sat there watching a contestant on "I'm a celebrity get me out of here" eating a kangaroos bottom.

I didn't push it. It was the answer I had expected.

I knew a bit about the family tree. Although to be honest it was more like a family Bush. I knew snippets of mums and dads past.  For example I knew that mum, Brenda Gallagovich, at the age of 15  ran away from her home in the Russian City of Stalingrad and joined the Moscow State Circus which was on route to a tour near to Leamington Spa.

Dads camper van, which was actually a mobile Russian Intercontinental Ballistic Missile launcher

 

Mum joined the circus and soon became popular. Her stage name was Bolshevik Brenda and her act consisted of crawling around the circus floor with a woolly fleece on her back while the Circus Master declared that she was a "Half Women & Half Sheep". Crude as it sounds in today's cable television, multi-channel digital world, mums act became very popular and she became quite a celebrity around town. She was often in the national press and photographed with the celebrities of the day including famous footballers, film stars and politicians. She had been destined for stardom if it wasn't for her being caught in bed with the then Head of the Ministry of Defence surrounded by national secrets.

My dad was also a circus performer but he had poor hand eye co-ordination and tended to drop things, which is particularly unfortunate while working as a trapeze artist. However dad had lots of other acts under his belt, which he had slowly introduced to the Ring Master. Unfortunately bad luck hit dad one Sunday afternoon when, in the middle of a matinee performance performing as Colin Cramer the lion tamer, one of the lions bit off one of his legs. (My dads leg, not one of his own) However, "The show must go on", and

Colin when performing as Colin the Comb (the human bee hive). He was rushed to hospital after having this photo taken with multiple stings to the head.

dad carried on performing pretending it was all part of the act. Even though a few of the audience fainted, dad hopped around the ring like the true pro he was. Apparently, he even got the offending lion, complete with his severed leg in its mouth, to sit up and dance to the tune of The Red Flag. Once the curtain came down dad collapsed and was rushed to the local Warnford Hospital where they attempted to stitch the leg back on but it was never the same again and he limped the rest of his life.

After dads accident he changed his name from Colin Cramer the Lion Tamer to Colin Peace and his Killer Geese. Basically the act consisted of releasing specially bred "killer geese" from their cages and his partner, the infamous cowboy gunslinger known as Sure Shot Shaun the Shoreham Sharpshooter shot them before they could attack members of the audience. Unfortunately, one of the geese escaped and ran into the audience, causing havoc. Sure Shot Shaun the Shoreham Sharp Shooter began shooting but instead of killing the geese he killed a visiting member of the Russian Royal Family and three members of the audience. All charges were dropped after the Public Inquiry and Police investigation but dads life long friend Sure Shot Shaun found it difficult to find work.

Dad changed his act to Colin Figs and his Death Defying Pigs but for some reason this failed to bring him fame and fortune. Dad did get his name in the newspapers a year later when he was arrested and imprisoned for taking photographs of various British RAF bases at a particularly sensitive time in the Cold War.

After prison dad married the only women he had ever loved. After one month she left without explanation and so, in desperation, he moved in with my mums trailer. Three weeks later Brenda announced that she was pregnant and although dad suspected that the baby couldn’t have been his, he agreed to stand by his pregnant girlfriend. Little did he know at the time, but mum had been selling her body to a local test tube baby research clinic to earn extra cash. Mum had become pregnant as a result of these early test tube baby experiments. Amazingly, I discovered many years later, that dad was in fact donating his sperm to the very same clinic! Chances are that mum and dad really were mum and dad after all.

 

This is a poster advertising my dads circus act "Colin and has amazing killer Geese" The act didn't catch on.

Nine months after mum had been impregnated in the clinic I was born - one of the first successful test tube babies in the UK. It was a happy time for all the family with dad being marginally successful with an act called "Colin the Cosmonaut". His performance consisted of him being fired from a rocket to land in a net on the other side of the circus tent while dressed in a Russian space suit (it was the time of the space race and the Russians had put the first man into space.) Unfortunately, the act finished because it had been difficult to measure the exact flight path Colin had to travel with him putting on so much weight he flu through the air and

 

Sure Shot Shaun the Shoreham Sharp Shooter. This photo was taken after shooting one of the Russian Royal family by mistake. Shaun is now a sound engineer.

 

landed 6 foot short which resulted in a broken arm, a fractured wrist, two broken ribs and a damaged collar bone. Dad was therefore home and in traction throughout most of my early years resulting in a strong bond between us.

Many years later dad admitted that his van (above) was in fact a genuine mobile Russian Intercontinental Ballistic Missile launcher, and not a camper van at all. He had converted it to make it look like a 1926 Volvo Camper Van complete with kitchenette. The van was one of the first to have a "pull down dining table" which is common these days but it was a new feature at the time. Dads van did not have any heating for fear of exploding the missiles which had been carefully hidden under the beds. I can still remember the cold winters nights and wondering why our calor gas fire always seemed to have an empty gas bottle. The van is now in the KGB Moscow automotive museum.

 

I will continue to look up my family tree but I wont hold my breath.

Tags: family tree, folk music. circus, MI5, camper vans, Intercontinental Ballistic Missile launcher, Pigs

A picture of dad (courtesy of KGB archives)

I FOUND A 78 RECORD IN MY LOFT - IT WAS RECORDED BY MY GREAT GREAT GRANDDAD. HE WAS A RUBBISH SINGER!

I have just come down from my loft and discovered loads if old records and newspapers relating to my my Great-Granddad, Corporal Arthur Bates.

Arthur was a musician and performed various concerts to soldiers in the First World War. He was a sort of comedy folk singer songwriter and he entertained the troops with his own witty songs.  I have found about 20 such 78's in my loft.*

* (for younger readers, 78's came before 45's which came before 8-track, which came before tapes which were before mini-disks which were before CD's which were before ipods)
 

Great-Granddads songs were quite risky for the times. Titles include "Hey Tommy, that's a big gun in your hand", and "Is that a 5 pounder shell in your trousers or are you just pleased to see me". Granddad didn't do subtle.

According to the newspapers I found; one of Great-Grampy's concert tours was in France at the time of the 1st battle of the Somme. Here he sang his songs to soldiers in the trenches. His make-shift P.A. system was rigged up along the front and was even louder than the incoming bombs. His entertainment was supposed to lighten the mood while being shelled at.

According to diaries found in the loft, The Germans would deliberately shell him whenever he was performing. Apparently one German General complained to the Allied top brass that his singing should have been banned according to the codes of the Geneva convention.

Great-Granddad swore that his own artillery shelled him on more than one occasion.

He admitted in his diary that he was a rubbish singer and troops often went away from his concerts more depressed, which was quite an achievement considering the squalor in the trenches.  He said soldiers from his own side often threw things at him including the odd live grenade.

Great-Granddad volunteered to join up in 1914 but was never cut out to be a soldier. One problem was that his right leg was much shorter than his left, which made marching particularly difficult, unless the route had a slight right hand curve. He caused ciaos on the parade ground and in route-marches he often ended up miles (to the right) from where he was supposed to be heading.

The top brass then began to send him out on various suicide missions but, as luck would have it, he kept returning, often as the lone survivor. In 1917 he was captured and held in Stulag XXI where he started his own Folk Club that was based on an open mike night.  (obviously without a mike).

The club was not a success and the only regular visitors were those who were drove mad by the gas and 2 French soldiers who had gone deaf because of the shelling. He escaped one Sunday afternoon in broad day light when the Germans left the gates open and he walked back to his lines without a shot being fired.

Great-Granddad was eventually allowed to leave the army when a tank went out of control in the middle of a concert and it almost ran over him. Despite having 120 men at the concert there were no witnesses.

Great Granddad eventually agreed never again to sing in public.

Tags: WWI, Somme, family tree, folk music