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MY UNCLE STILL GOES
OUT TO AMERICA TO VISIT HIS NATIVE AMERICAN FRIENDS.
One
of my Uncles
was brought up by a native American Indian family on a traditional
native American Indian reservation in Wyoming, USA. The reservation
is still there and I have recently received a letter from him
inviting me to stay for a few weeks.
How my Uncle got to be raised by
traditional American Indians is an odd tale, beginning in 1875.
It all started when my
Great-Grandfather travelled from Leamington Spa to Montana, USA as a
travelling salesman, selling a particularly useless cure for
headaches. The cure consisted of a drink which, when chilled, would
cure any headache in seconds. It was also “guaranteed” to cure
hemorrhoids, Gut-Rot, Acne, hearing Loss, Albinism, Anal Warts,
Athlete's Foot, Bad Breath, Baldness, Bed Wetting, Bladder
Infection, Boils, Bowel Gas, Bulimia, Bunion, Cold Sores,
Constipation, Corns, Crabs, Cross-Eyes, Dandruff, Excess Farting,
Fungal Nails, Gum Disease, Head Lice, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, Lazy
Eye, Moles, Mouth Ulcers, Obesity, Piles, Shaky Hands, Stress,
Syphilis, Warts and Zits, plus a few hundred illnesses which they
had probably made up.
The journey from Leamington Spa to
Montana was an arduous one and they were keen to get their business
going. However, just 2 hours into selling their products to the
Montanans, one of the first consumers to buy a bottle of “Bates
Miracle Cures” dropped down dead on the spot. Not the best start for
any sales campaign!
So the Bates family loaded up their
horses and wagon and left town, venturing out into the unknown to
sell their goods to the natives.
 3
days into their journey they came across a band of Sioux Indians and
they were invited to stay for dinner. After a nice meal they traded
some of their bottles of “Bates Miracle Cures” for some buffalo meat
and amazingly, the Sioux Indians absolutely loved the product.
The Bates family also had 500 rifles
in the wagon and they traded those too.
Our family have kept close links with
the Sioux Indians over the years and my Uncle was actually raised by
them. I am looking forward to visiting Montana in their reservation
which sits by a small river called the Little Big Horn.
Tags:
Battle of the Little Big Horn, American Indians, Sioux, Gun running,
Bates Miracle Cure, |
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SEARCHING YOUR
FAMILY TREE? SOMETIMES IT IS LIKE SEARCHING IN A FOREST, IN THE
DARK, AT NIGHT, WITHOUT A TORCH, WEARING A BLINDFOLD. The conversation
with my mum went something like this.....
ME: "Mum, would you
mind if I searched our family tree? We don't talk about family much
and I wondered if you would be prepared to help me?"
MUM: "No"
That was about it.
Silence. A tumbleweed rolled past mums coffee table. The wind blew
and mum sat there watching a contestant on "I'm a celebrity get
me out of here" eating a kangaroos bottom.
I didn't push it. It
was the answer I had expected.
I knew bit of the
family tree obviously . I also know snippets of mums and dads past.
For example I knew that mum, Brenda Gallagovich, at the age of 15
ran away from her home in Stalingrad and joined the Moscow State
Circus which was on route to a new home in Leamington Spa.
Mums
became popular in the circus, Her stage name was Bolshevik Brenda and her act consisted of crawling around the
circus floor with a woolly fleece on her back while the Circus Master
declared that she was a "Half Women & Half Sheep". Crude as it
sounds in today's cable television, multi-channel digital world, mums act
became very popular and she became quite a celebrity and was often seen in the
national press and photographed with the celebrities of the day
including famous footballers, film stars and politicians. She had been destined
for stardom if it wasn't for her being caught in bed with the then Head of
the Ministry of Defence surrounded by national secrets.
My
dad was also a circus performer but he had poor hand eye
co-ordination and tended to drop things, which is particularly
unfortunate while working as a trapeze artist. Unfortunately bad
luck hit dad one Sunday afternoon when, in the middle of a
matinee performance performing as Colin Cramer the lion tamer,
one of the lions bit off one of his legs. However, "The show
must go on", and dad carried on performing pretending it was all
part of the act. Even though a few of the audience fainted, dad
hopped around the ring like the true pro he was. Apparently, he
even got the offending lion, complete with his severed leg in
its mouth, to sit up on its hind legs dancing to the tune of The
Red Flag. Once the curtain came down dad collapsed and was
rushed to the local Warnford Hospital where they attempted to
stitch the leg back on but it was never the same again and he
limped the rest of his life.
Colin when performing as Colin
the Comb (the human bee hive). He was rushed to hospital after having this
photo taken with multiple stings to the head.
After dads accident he changed
his name from Colin Cramer the Lion Tamer to Colin Peace and his Amazing
Killer Geese. Basically the act consisted of releasing these specially bred
"killer geese" from their cages and his partner, the infamous cowboy gunslinger known as
Sure Shot Shaun the Shoreham Sharpshooter shot them before they could attack
members of the audience. Unfortunately, one of the geese escaped and ran
into the audience, causing havoc. Sure Shot Shaun the Shoreham Sharp Shooter
began shooting but instead of killing the geese he killed a visiting member
of the Russian Royal Family and three members of the audience. All charges
were dropped after the Public Inquiry and Police investigation but dads life
long friend Sure Shot Shaun found it difficult to find
work.
Dad changed his act to Colin Figs and his Death Defying Pigs but for
some reason this failed to bring him fame and fortune. Dad did get his name
in the newspapers a year later when he was arrested and imprisoned for
taking photographs of various British RAF bases at a particularly sensitive
time in the Cold War.
This is a poster advertising my dads circus act "Colin and has amazing
killer Geese" The act didn't catch on.
After his prison escape dad married the only women he
had ever loved. After one month she left without explanation and so, in
desperation, he moved in with my mum Brenda who had a larger than normal trailer
and needed someone to share her life with. Three weeks later Brenda
announced that she was pregnant and although dad suspected that the baby
couldn’t have been his, he agreed to stand by his pregnant girlfriend.
Little did he know at the time, but mum had been selling her body to a local
test tube baby research clinic to earn extra cash. Mum had become pregnant
as a result of these early test tube baby experiments. Amazingly, I
discovered many years later, that dad was in fact donating his sperm to the
very same clinic! Chances are that mum and dad really were mum and dad after
all.
Sure Shot Shaun the Shoreham Sharp Shooter. This photo was taken after
shooting one of the Russian Royal family by mistake. Shaun is now a sound
engineer.
Nine months after mum
had been impregnated in the clinic I was born - one of the first successful
test tube babies in the UK. It was a happy time for all the family with dad
being marginally successful with an act called "Colin the Cosmonaut". His
performance consisted of him being fired from a rocket to land in a net on
the other side of the circus tent while dressed in a Russian space suit (it
was the time of the space race and the Russians had put the first man into
space. Unfortunately, the act finished because it had been difficult to
measure the exact flight path Colin had to travel through the air which
resulted in a broken arm, a fractured
wrist, two broken ribs and a damaged collar bone. Dad was therefore home and
in traction throughout most of my early years resulting in a strong bond
between us.
Dads camper van, which was actually a mobile Russian Intercontinental
Ballistic Missile launcher.
Many years later dad admitted that his van (above) was in fact a genuine mobile
Russian Intercontinental Ballistic Missile launcher, and not a camper van at
all. He had converted it to make it look like a 1926 Volvo Camper Van complete
with kitchenette. The van was one of the first to have a "pull down dining
table" which is common these days but it was a new feature at the time. Dads van
did not have any heating for fear of exploding the missiles which had been
carefully hidden under the beds. I can still remember the cold winters nights
and wondering why our calor gas fire always seemed to have an empty gas bottle.
The van is now in the KGB Moscow automotive museum.
A picture of dad (courtesy of KGB archives)
I will continue to
look up my family tree but I wont hold my breath.
Tags: family tree,
folk music. circus, MI5, camper vans, Intercontinental Ballistic
Missile launcher, Pigs |
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I FOUND A 78 RECORD IN MY LOFT - IT
WAS RECORDED BY MY GREAT GREAT GRANDDAD. HE WAS A RUBBISH SINGER!
I have just come down from my loft
and discovered loads if old records and newspapers relating to my my Great Granddad, Corporal Arthur Bates.
Arthur was a musician
and performed various concerts to soldiers in the First World War. He too was a
sort of comedy folk singer songwriter and entertained the troops with his own
witty songs. I have found about 20 such 78's in my loft.*
* (for younger readers, 78's came before 45's which came before tapes which were
before minidisks which were before CD's which were before ipods and MP3's)
His songs include "Hey Tommy,
that's a big gun in your hand", and "Is that a 5 pounder shell in your trousers
or are you just pleased to see me".
 According to the newspapers I found one of his concert tours was in France at the time of the battle of the Somme,
where he heroically sung his songs to soldiers in the trenches. His make shift
P.A. system was rigged up to be louder than the incoming bombs, which was
supposed to take the boredom away from being shelled at.
Among the artefacts in the loft was copies of his diaries and according to his
notes on 17th July 1914 the Germans deliberately shelled him up and down the line
whenever he was performing. Apparently one German General complained to the
Allied top brass that it was wrong to have him singing songs because it was an a
form of torture banned according to the codes of the Geneva convention.
Great-Granddad swore that his own artillery shelled him on more than one
occasion.
He admitted in his diary that he was a rubbish singer and troops often went away
from his concerts more depressed, which was quite an achievement considering the
squalor in the trenches in the battle of the Somme. He said those soldiers from
his own side often threw things at him while on stage, including the odd live
grenade.
Great-Granddad volunteered to join up in 1914 but was never cut out to be a
soldier. One problem was that his right leg was much shorter than his left,
which made marching particularly difficult, unless the route had a slight right
hand curve. He caused ciaos on the parade ground and in route-marches he often
ended up miles (to the right) from where he was supposed to be heading.
He was willing though and the top brass had to keep him in the army despite his
difficulties. They then began to send him out on various suicide missions but,
as luck would have it, he kept returning, often as the lone survivor. In 1917 he
was captured and held in Stulag XXI where he started his own Folk Club that was
based on an open mike night (without the mike).
The club was not a success and the only regular visitors were those who were
drove mad by the gas and 2 French soldiers who had gone deaf because of the
shelling. He escaped one Sunday afternoon in broad day light when the Germans
left the gates open and he walked back to his lines without a shot being fired.
Great-Granddad was eventually allowed to leave the army when a tank went out of
control in the middle of a concert for veteran soldiers and almost ran him over. Despite
having 120 men at the concert there were no witnesses to the event.
Great Granddad eventually agreed never again to sing in public as part of the
deal.
It has inspired me to find our more
about me family though.
Tags: WWI, Somme, family tree, folk
music |
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STANDING STONES
IMPRESS ME SO MUCH. I THINK THEY WERE SOME KIND OF ANCIENT FOLK
FESTIVAL WHERE PREHISTORIC FOLKIES WOULD ENTERTAIN EACH OTHER.
Louise and I recently visited Avebury henge in Wiltshire, which must be one Britain's truly
wonderful sites.
If you haven't been
to Avebury please consider going. I think it is more impressive than Stonehenge
because you can actually walk around the stones and touch them. Some of the stones
weigh about 40 tons and they cover over 28 acres. Originally there was
about 100 stones but now there are only 27 stones left standing but
it is still wonderfully impressive.
No one knows the reason
the stones were erected but if you walk inside the circle you get a
great desire to burst into song and perform to the standing outside
the circle. This leads me to believe that the stones were once a giant folk
club where ancient folkies would get up and perform their act within
the circle and
the audience would applaud accordingly. Each year they would invite
other ancient folkies to come and visit they would put on a festival
for all to have a great time, get drunk and meet all their mates
that they hadn't seen for ages because they had been out gigging, or
hunting or something.
Next time you visit
some standing stones take your musical instrument with you and
perform to anyone watching - you will see what I mean!
Tags: Stonehenge, Avebury, folk
clubs, gigs, ancient Britain |
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THE SHOW MUST GO ON.
TRUE OR UNTRUE? WHEN EXACTLY SHOULD YOU CANCEL A GIG?
I once was offered a
gig in Bosnia. The money was good, the audience was some nice
Bosnian people who wanted to listen to some UK folk music. The venue
was a medium sized folk club with a nice stage and the P.A. was
supplied. The only problem I had was after accepting the booking a
war had begun and the folk club was now in the middle of a war zone.
Now, should I have cancelled the gig or not? Yes, of course I should
have cancelled the gig! (I did and I lived to tell the tale. The
folk club by the way was bombed to bits.)
 The
reason I mention it is because my mate has recently cancelled a gig
for the first time in 15 years. I was gutted for him. He has
performed with a variety of diseases including the flu, a broken
arm, a head ache (which, after being dragged to the doctors by his
wife, turned out to be a fractured skull) and a nasty dose of
laryngitis.
I haven't cancelled
many gigs over the years but I have to admit I have cancelled one or
two. I have struggled through more than one gig with a broken leg
(after falling off a roof). But I did have to cancel one gig after
having peritonitis. My appendix decided to burst one Monday morning
but my GP insisted that I had a bit of a tummy bug. After my
appendix exploded I was rushed to hospital and I lay on my death bed
while the proper doctors tried to find out what was wrong with me.
While laying in my hospital bed, and not at all well, with around 7
drips going into various parts of my body, I distinctly remember
apologising to someone on the Entertainments Committee of the
Bishops Itchington Social Club and him saying to me, "Well can you
just do a bit after the bingo"?
The show must go on. It
is a pity the Bosnian folk club was destroyed.
Tags: folk, Bosnian folk, appendix,
peritonitis, cancelled gigs, roof. |
